And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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