hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
