I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Help. Why am I so naked?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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