Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
