Where did you get a picture of my penis
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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