if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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