Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
