i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
