I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
