Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Randomize
