He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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