The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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