I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i now understand why vodka
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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