Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
