I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
