I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
