She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Randomize
