covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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