So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
