Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
