Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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