Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
