do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize