this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize