I just threw up on my dentist
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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