Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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