just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
