i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
