I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
