im having a threesome with these popsicles
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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