her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
