I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
