...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
