i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
