I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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