Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
