Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
