We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
