before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
