Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
