i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
