I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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