Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
