I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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