My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
