apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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