Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
