Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
