i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
