Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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