its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize