Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
