Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
