I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
ttyl tear gas
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
