before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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