I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
