never play flip cup with pint glasses
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize