Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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