There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
