I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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