i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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