It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
