She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
