is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
A bitchslap is in order.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
